48th midlife crisis...let me be OK?

I cried. I did you know. I was wondering why I did and finally yesterday I figured out why.

Hani Mohsin. He died alone and I am scared that I will too. But at least he had his daughter by his side when he saw the world for the last time. Me? Yes I have himself by my side now but what if later, Allah loves him more and decides to test my faith and I end up being alone like Mohsin. I am the only child and worst, I have yet to be blessed with my own flesh and blood whom I am going to shower will all my loves and care, who is/are going to pray as ‘anak yang soleh’ hoping that me, his/her/their beloved mother, will rest in peace and in heaven sharing seedless grapes with angels and my love ones and not to forget perhaps surrounded with cats calling me “makkkkk”. And my ‘beehon’ waterfall (I once told my buddy Zamrood that if I can chose what to have in my ‘heaven’ I would request for waterfall and stream with my mum fried beehon flowing non stop).

When the time comes, who are we to tick the checklist box on how we are going to die, who is going to guide us with ‘kalimah shahadah’ and hold our hands and whether we have ample time to ask for forgiveness from everybody especially our parents and spouse. More important: Will you be prepared with all good deeds which you are going to use to redeem for a better permanent life after death.

Why am I talking like this? Too serius to some I guess. But I have been down since Friday. I guess it's not so much about me leaving but perhaps before I go (only Allah knows when) I want all my love one to know how I feel about them. Many of family and friends think that I am made of steel. Mummy thinks I am a super woman who was born to smile come rain or shine. My late grandma thinks I am the smartest girl in the universe and should be related to King Fadd ( no hard feeling himself...tok tak kenai pun King Fadd tu...hehehe). And my late tok ayah told everybody that I was going to be a doctor (He died when I was six). My dad? Hey I missed a flight to Medan and he confidently let me took a bus and a cab on my own (I was 13 and Penang was so far far away to Perlis at that time). When I was 17 boarded a plane to Kuantan and registered myself at Mara Community College, on my own.(thats not the 1st time. When I was 6, I followed my best friend, without my parents knowledge, boarded a school bus and registered myself at a kinddy. My dad was so embarassed when he had to register me, formally, the next day) Am I made of steel? Hahaha...Langsung tak!

Just now, I felt infront of KLIA life and cried, but alone of course. And earlier today I cried walking to the nearby shop because mummy scolded me for mistaking jintan manis and jintan putih. I think the problem here...I wanted people to think that I am made of steel and later, I will cry myself to sleep, alone. What am I trying to say here? I dont know. I hope after I press the friendster blog's SAVE button, I will manage to figure out what is happening to me. And I hope it will help me face my 49th midlife crisis later...not so soon I hope.

Friends and family, I am a big girl with such cute little heart... ;)